By Wendy Jebb, WJW Counselling and Mediation (St. Albert, Peace River, Edmonton, AB)
When a child begins refusing to see a parent following separation or divorce, the emotional and legal fallout can be immense. Parents are often left devastated, uncertain, and fearful—especially when there is no obvious reason for the rejection. While cases of justified rejection (such as abuse or neglect) require a protective response, the majority of “resist/refuse” cases are more complex, often arising from prolonged conflict, communication breakdowns, or subtle triangulation of the child.
At WJW Counselling and Mediation, we see these cases regularly. This article unpacks what resist/refuse dynamics are, how they impact the child, what treatment approaches work best, and how courts in Alberta respond to these cases.
What Are Resist–Refuse Dynamics?
Coined by clinical psychologists, the term “resist/refuse” refers to children who avoid, resist, or outright reject one parent during or after parental separation. According to Dr. Edward Farber, a clinical child psychologist and author of Raising the Kid You Love with the Ex You Hate, this avoidance can become phobic in nature. As anticipation of contact with the rejected parent grows, the child’s anxiety escalates. If the visit is cancelled or avoided, they feel relief—which reinforces the idea that avoiding the parent is the only way to feel safe. This dynamic, if unaddressed, becomes deeply entrenched.
Research Insight:
A 2010 review by Kelly & Johnston noted that children in high-conflict divorces exhibit higher levels of polarized attachment and are more likely to view one parent as “all good” and the other as “all bad.” Dr. Amy Baker’s work also highlights that in resist/refuse dynamics, children may develop distorted thinking, believing they are protecting the preferred parent or themselves, even when there is no objective threat.
In contrast, children in intact families—even those with flawed, distant, or even volatile relationships—almost never completely reject one parent. Total rejection is extremely rare without external pressures. Rejection of a parent is not typically spontaneous or one-sided; rather, it emerges in contexts marked by chronic parental conflict, triangulation, enmeshment, or loyalty binds.
Research by Warshak (2015) and Kelly & Johnston (2001) demonstrates that children in intact families tend to maintain emotional ties with both parents, even in the presence of poor parenting. In post-divorce families, particularly those with unresolved bitterness, the child’s alignment with one parent is often reinforced—either overtly or subtly—through emotional overinvolvement, exposure to conflict, or negative messaging about the other parent, which undermines their capacity to integrate and maintain both relationships.¹²
How Courts in Alberta View Resist/Refuse Cases
In Alberta, the courts increasingly recognize the complexity of parent–child contact problems. The Alberta Court of King’s Bench has echoed in numerous decisions that children benefit from maintaining relationships with both parents unless serious safety concerns exist.
Alberta Legal Perspective:
- In D.M.M. v. K.M.M., 2017 ABQB 63, Justice Graesser remarked that the refusal of contact “can have long-term consequences for the child’s psychological development, especially when the rejection is not clearly grounded in abuse or neglect.”
- Alberta family courts often invoke Practice Note 7 (PN7) to involve a mental health professional in gathering the child’s voice. However, PN7 cautions evaluators not to assume a child’s stated wishes are fully autonomous—especially if there’s evidence of relational distress, enmeshment, or parentification.
- In T.B. v. J.B., 2020 ABQB 540, the Court noted, “While a child may state they do not want contact with one parent, the role of the Court is to determine what is in their best interest—not simply what is most comfortable.”
The challenge for courts is discerning whether the child’s resistance is:
- A legitimate protective response, or
- An alignment with the preferred parent due to triangulation, overprotection, or subtle messaging.
Treatment Goals in Reunification Therapy
Resist/refuse cases cannot be resolved through traditional therapy alone. Successful outcomes require goal-oriented, trauma-informed reunification therapy that includes all parties: child, rejected parent, and preferred parent.
For the Child:
- Normalize and name complex feelings (loyalty, guilt, fear)
- Build emotional safety with both parents
- Explore their own wishes separate from parent influence
- Reframe black-and-white thinking about each parent
For the Rejected Parent:
- Show attunement and empathy, not just insistence
- Focus on rebuilding trust through consistent, non-threatening connection
- Acknowledge prior ruptures or misunderstandings, even if exaggerated
- Practice emotional co-regulation with the child during tension
For the Preferred Parent:
- Support reunification, even when the child resists
- Avoid language that reinforces rejection (e.g., “You don’t have to go if you don’t feel safe”)
- Reflect on possible unconscious enmeshment or overidentification
- Empower the child to develop a secure, independent relationship with the other parent
Therapeutic Activities That Promote Reconnection
In clinical practice, children heal best in safe, experiential environments. Below are activities we use at WJW Counselling to support reconnection:
1. Team Building: Marshmallow Challenge
- Build a tower together with spaghetti and marshmallows.
- Focus: Cooperation, shared laughter, and problem-solving without pressure.
2. Repair Timeline
- Child and parent co-create a visual timeline of positive and challenging memories.
- Focus: Shared narrative, validation, and meaning-making.
3. Nature Walks with Narrative Prompts
- Child and parent walk together with structured conversation starters.
- Focus: Regulated movement + indirect emotional processing.
4. Emotion Role-Reversal
- Child and parent “interview” each other as if they were the other person.
- Focus: Perspective-taking and cognitive flexibility.
5. Letter Writing & Playback
- Each writes a letter reviewed with the therapist, then read aloud in session.
- Focus: Expression, vulnerability, containment.
When to Seek Help
Early intervention is critical. The longer the avoidance continues, the more rigid the patterns become. Therapy should begin as soon as the child shows signs of persistent rejection or distress around visitation.
Resist/refuse dynamics are deeply relational—not simply behavioural. Avoid framing the child as “difficult” or the rejected parent as “victimized.” Instead, work with a reunification-trained therapist who can guide the entire family system toward repair.
Final Word
Children should never be asked to choose between their parents. When they begin to resist contact with one, it’s not a sign that one parent has failed—it’s a signal that the relational space has ruptured and needs repair. The goal is not compliance; it’s reconnection.
At WJW Counselling and Mediation in St. Albert and Edmonton, we specialize in reunification therapy grounded in attachment, trauma-informed practice, and child development. We work alongside families and legal professionals to ensure the child’s voice is heard, but also held within a framework that promotes growth, not division.
A child’s best chance at long-term emotional health lies in meaningful relationships with both parents. With the right support, those relationships can be rebuilt.
References & Footnotes
- Warshak, R. A. (2015). Ten Parental Alienation Fallacies That Compromise Decisions in Court and in Therapy. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 46(4), 235–249.
- Kelly, J. B., & Johnston, J. R. (2001). The Alienated Child: A Reformulation of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Family Court Review, 39(3), 249–266.
- Baker, A. J. L. (2007). Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind. W.W. Norton & Company.
- D.M.M. v. K.M.M., 2017 ABQB 63.
- T.B. v. J.B., 2020 ABQB 540.
- Alberta Court of King’s Bench Practice Note 7 (PN7), Revised 2020.
